January 29, 2009
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It’s Time For A Rant
I don’t usually address the “featured question” or even think much about them. My opinion being that those who pose them are mainly trying to get attention. Like the kids in my second grade class who bring up topics that have nothing to do with what is going on in class just to distract me from my plans for the day. But I have read several posts about the Duggar family and at least two answering a featured question concerning the number of children that they have and it is really starting to annoy even me.
I do not have 18 children, although if God had blessed me that way I would have been more than pleased. But having given birth to seven and fostering 40 over the years, I have come under attack in my little community by the small minded who wonder if I am not being excessive in the number of offspring that I brought into the world and then when it is discovered that I am fostering also, more outrage that I am assisting others to bring more “unwanteds” into the world. (yes that is a real word that was used.) What possible business is it of others how many children any given couple is having? Who gave anyone else the right to make a judgement about the couple who decides to actually give birth to their children?
One question that is being batted around is “is it right to have so many children?” Who is the judge and jury that decides this? What makes a certain number right and another number wrong? Why does this even enter into things? These people are obviously not suffering because of the number of children that they have brought into the world. They actually seem to be made better by the presence of these little people in their lives.
I would like to suggest that those who are so terribly concerned about the number of children that this, or any other large family (large being any number over 2) has could have something to do with feelings of either guilt or inadequacy? Or maybe it is merely an inability to come up with something constructive and kind to say.
I would like to close this with the advice that my Grandmother used to use, timeless but appropriate: If you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all, except perhaps a prayer.
Comments (24)
I totally agree.
“Unwanted” is the term that really fries me. I want my kids. If someone doesn’t want their kids, I want those kids too. Someone always wants a kid, as you have so selflessly lived in demonstration. If Suzie Mainstream doesn’t want her kids, someone does. The Duggars want their kids. They love their kids. How sad that people look negatively at them for that instead of at their own unwillingness to give of themselves and love someone other than themselves.
If there were but rewards adequate for women like you in this life, Ann. If only…
The same people feel it is their right to have one or none…..
It is funny how rights seem to fly in this day and age and what has become the ‘higher road and how it is no higher road at all’.
(((((( hugs ))))))
I so agree.
x
First, I think it’s amazing how many children you have fostered. You have done the community a great service, and those children as well.
I do think 18 children is a bit excessive. I am not too concerned with overpopulation in the USA right now. I don’t think anyone should be trying to limit family size for the sake of population growth here.
That being said, I do think there should be limits. You shouldn’t be having that many children if you cannot care for them. If this family can provide the needed support for all 18 children, then good for them. However, I know that I could not, even with my upper middle class salary.
Also, if you have 18 children, it seems like it’s pretty much guaranteed that you won’t be able to spend as much time “parenting” them – teaching them life skills and lessons, how to socialize, etc. It seems like the kids will miss out on important stuff b/c you are busy with the other 17.
@ElDuderinoCA - That couldn’t be more untrue. Love multiplies and spreads as there are more children. It is also a falicy that children need so much time alone with parents. What they need is love and there is no measurement of time on that. They need to know that they can come to you when they need you. The need to know that they are love unconditionally and there is, again, no time factor involved in that either.
When we were fostering we had a set of twins for over two years. One of the boys had cerebral palsy. He needed a lot of time from me. I had to run that child to doctors and specialists of all kinds. That did not cause me to neglect the needs of my own children or his sibling. You find a way. You employ the other children in helping you to mother the younger ones. There are valuable lessons in giving and serving right there that cannot be duplicated. Only those from a large family can understand that type of dynamic. My children are all older now, my youngest being 17, they all look on having so many siblings as a good thing. They actually have all expressed regret that they were not able to have many more, as do I. They do not regret or begrudge the love and attention that was given to those who were not born of this family either. Rather they all would have gladly kept every one of the children that we took into our home (including the many babysitting kids).
You are, most assuredly wrong about your “guarantee” that you won’t be able to spend as much time parenting all those children.
One last thought, who would do the limiting? Based on what criteria? Where would the right come for this “authority” to do the limiting? and finally, if it were you being “limited” wouldn’t you protest that your rights were being taken away? Kind of smacks of communism, doesn’t it?
I would love to be one in a family of eighteen. That would be so fun. think of all the things you could do. You would never be alone, or not have some one to play with.
Bravissimo. <3
Hear! Hear! Ann, you totally rock!
I’m in total agreement Ann!! I can’t believe that people actually criticized you for foster parenting…that absolutely blows my mind! All I can think is that it makes them feel better trying to find a way to put it down so that they don’t feel bad about themselves.
Crazy enough, I’ve been on the other side of this issue with some Catholic homeschoolers who when they first meet me, give me this look when I say I have three children. You can see it in their eyes that they’re wondering why if I’m a good Catholic, I don’t have more children. Some have even said “That’s all?” and I answer I have the number of children that God gave me.
My brother-in-law who has 6 children always tells people when they makes remarks that his kids are going to help pay for their social security one day…
Thank you for the birthday wishes….God bless!!
Wonderful Wonderful Post!!!!! I agree with you 100%!!!! I gone to those other site and I know what you mean. God bless you
Kelly
I “ONLY” have four children. When I said we were having our 3rd child people acted like we were over doing it…..when I announced #4 one person told me “You should figure out what keeps making that happen!”
I have watched documentarys on The Duggar family,. I have nothing but praise and honor to be had for Ms. Duggar. She seems like a wonderful mother, her children are well behaved, well dressed and most of all they all seem to really love the Lord and strive to be testimonies for HIM. Amazing that a woman with THAT MANY CHILDREN accomplishes that with each and every one of her children….and there are some women that can’t adequately raise, nurture and train their ONE child.
Great post.
I refrained from reading any of the featured blogs regarding The Duggars because 1) they’d infuriate me 2) most of the people blogging about them wouldn’t know up from down anyhow 3) I would have to get caught in the middle of the turmoil by opening my big mouth. *LOL*
Very aptly spoken. Thank you for helping the so called “unwanteds” you apparently did want them, which would change their names to wanted.
@brbschrm - I am with you about the judgement about the number of children not being enough, believe it or not. In our parish it is not uncommon to have families with ten or more children. After I lost my last one, then had to have a hysterectomy I had to suffer people, for several years after, asking if it wasn’t time to have another baby. They were unaware that I was not able to have more and I felt it was none of their business that I couldn’t have more and that God had decided that the number I had was enough. Bottom line is that I am appalled that people feel that they should comment about something that is totally private and personal. God is in control, one way or another and no one else should poke their nose in it.
@cereneone - My husband likes to tell people that whenever I heard that there was a baby available I immediately loved it and it became my child, sight unseen. That is true of any child that I see. They all enter, at least, into my prayers. If I hear of a child that is in need on the news it breaks my heart that I cannot mother that child and take it into my home and give it the love that it needs and deserves. I cannot wait for grandchildren.
You know, when you’re right, you’re right, and you are so right. Who’s to say that one person can teach twenty odd kids at a time in a single classroom and be expected to make an impression on every single one of them at the rate of forty-five minutes a day, five days, a week, but that two people can’t raise less than that with up to two full days per day between them? What’s wrong with teaching the older kids to help out?
Besides, once you’re pregnant with octuplets, you’re really out of options. You just thank God, and get ready for one heck of a party for the next eighteen years.
@P_Obrien - Thanks. You’d make a heck of a dad. But I think I’ve said that before.
Thus you expose the real worms in the can. Those who preach tolerance, are not, never have been, and never will be tolerant themselves. They want everyone to accept what they want, and then to enforce intolerance upon everyone else. That is the actual factual truth about tolerance preachers.
But then how is that any different from what Christ and His apostles suffered? This isn’t at all shocking really. It’s just terribly uncomfortable to have to put up with. Eventually, however, the intolerant, tolerance preachers will lead the way to legal intolerance of what you believe and how live. That’s the way it was for the first Church, and it will be that way for the last one.
BP
@Such_Were_You - You are quite right. But that doesn’t mean that we stay silent. We must “take up our crosses and follow Him” because “if the world hated me, know that it will hate you also” Thanks.
@perelandra30 - Of course that is the answer, but we do it despite the best efforts of the tolerance preachers. And though the cheeks are bruised we have to keep turning them. There are times to resist openly, but the Church has been doing that so badly the last 4o+years that it makes what we have to do all that much more difficult
Blessings,
BP
I so agree! Think how happy the world would be if people could just keep their mouth shut!
I really can’t believe that some people are against people fostering kids! I think that it is wonderful what you have done and I pray that I get the opportunity to help, care for, and love many “unwanted” children one day.
Isn’t is funny how when a woman has an abortion, it’s between her, the doctor and her God. No one has the “right” to say anything about it to her. But when a woman actually wants to have many children (more than 2), anyone in the grocery store can comment about it!! My MIL knows a woman who never ovulated until her honeymoon, and conceived a child as a result. After the birth of the baby, she never ovulated again. Great post! I agree wholeheartedly!
Hi Ann….I hope you’re doing well in your recovery. I do keep saying a prayer for you whenever you pop into my mind.
I did a little ranting of my own on a protected post on my site. I would really appreciate it if you had the time, that you would read it sometime. You are on my protected list, but it seems to me that one time you were having problems reading my protected posts. If you can’t just let me know and I will send it to you in a message.
Thank you and God bless!
I agree. I have the most children of anyone in my church (7). When we were expecting the last one, my friend told me that people at church were asking why we wanted to have more children. It’s a good thing they never asked me! If I had it to do over, I would have had a couple more, since there’s 8 years between #5 and #7. I also would have homeschooled, but when most of mine were little, no one ever heard of homeschooling.