November 17, 2008
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A failure as a mother
A little while ago the phone rang and woke me from a sound sleep. It was my oldest son. He needed me. Whenever one of my children need me I have always tried to drop everything and be there for them. He said he had been coming around a curve on his way home from fire school and hit a steer standing in the middle of the road. He totalled his truck. The road was snowy and he couldn’t stop fast enough so he hit the steer. He assurred me he was alright. I threw on some clothes and got in Doug’s car and started out. Sure enough the roads were snow covered and slippery. The snow is coming down fast and furious.
Now comes the bad mother part. I got exactly 1.5 miles from here and I couldn’t go any further. “I have to go help him” warred inside of me with, “the roads are slippery and I’m going to get into an accident.” What was I doing out on a night like this? I have only driven Doug’s Blazer maybe six times. It is lighter than my car and it doesn’t handle well in the snow at all. When I tried to stop at the end of our road I barely was able to come to a full stop. If anything had been coming from the other direction I would have hit them. Reluctantly I pulled into the church parking lot and called Doug. “I cannot do this. The roads are too bad.” He said to come home and he would call Ian.
I sit here now with tears in my heart and a heavy heart and a sick stomach. My son needed me. He wanted my help and I couldn’t do it. He, of course, understands. That’s just Ian’s way. He has always been sensitive to me and to my fears and my feelings. But he should have had the support that he desired when he needed.
Ian, I am here praying for you. I am holding you up from home. I just couldn’t do it.
Comments (21)
Ease up on yourself. You are human afterall, not SUPERMOM!!
You getting in an accident would not have helped anyone. You tried to help him, but couldn’t do it. No shame in that.
I, for one, really respect you for realizing your limitations and doing the right thing by stopping.
@Bricker59 - Thanks for the vote. In my younger years this snow wouldn’t have bothered me. I think that is what bothers me most of all, to be truly honest, is this getting afraid of things like this all of a sudden. I never used to be afraid of anything. I like your calling it “realizing your limitations” it sounds better than what it felt like at the time. From your profile pic, if that is to be believed, you too get snow so you know what it is like. The stuff is coming down with a vengeance out there. The funny thing is that by March a night like this will be routine. Maybe that is it, I’m just not used to it anymore. Besides the fact that my trusty Dodge is in the shop and I had to drive my husbands Chevy.
Ah honey…..I am praying for you. You did not fail Ian. You are not a bad mom. He loves you and so do I. And he would have felt worse if you had gone further and gotten into an accident. There is a time and a season for everything..This is your season to stay home and pray.
What happened to the steer?
@perelandra30 - That is me in the pic. Look closely and you’ll see my cane.I’m on that trailer because I couldn’t walk through the snow any more to cut down a Christmas tree with my girls.
All because of a car accident.
You stayed safe. You did the right thing.Putting yourself at risk would have been failing as a mother.
Everything that Bricker59 said, I completely agree with. Imagine the guilt your son could have had if something happened to you because he had asked you to come. I can imagine how you feel/felt about not being able to help your son, but you truly did the right thing.
by no stretch of the imagination – do the details of this set of circumstances – qualify you for the label ‘bad mother’ – come on dear lady – … no beating up my new friend, ok?
I go with Bricker too. I know we moms think we can take care of and handle anything our kids need but with the years I have learned that they can take care of themselves if need be and often need the chance to do just that. Anyway, what would your sons do if you went out there and killed yourself? That would sure put a guilt trip on the son. Guess you made it safely home.
@ugotafriend - the steer is going in a freezer. The truck is being towed and Doug is taking himself to work in the morning and I am getting a sub for my class tomorrow. The snow is still coming down. The plow just went down through. That is the only traffic that we have seen all night. Very unusual for our road even for this time of night. Must be that the roads are bad even up there. We live down in a hollow. Very often it seems better here in the hollow than it is up above. I can vouch for that tonight. Ian called a few minutes ago to say that he is back at his apartment now and going to bed. My sleep is over for the night since that last call. Guess I’ll get some reading done and some school papers corrected.
@perelandra30 - Ah the joys of snow country. Well done. In the night watches, I’ll be praying for you as you grade papers and do what you can. May the Lord watch over and sustain you. Glad that Ian is fine, his truck is taken care of and that tomorrow is sorted. Blessings.
@ugotafriend - thank you. Must be near about time for you to be hitting the hay. Time for me to be feeding the leftovers of the adrenaline rush from Ian’s first phone call. Papers graded. Have been watching Lupus sniffing for mice under the cabinets in the kitchen. She cracks me up. Sweet dreams. Don’t lose any sleep over me.
@perelandra30 - About bed time for me. I never lose sleep but if the Lord has me up, you are in my prayers.
Are there really mice or is Lupus really hopeful?
@ugotafriend - unfortunately there are mice. this is an old farmhouse that the mice find a haven from the cold. most of the time we don’t see them and barely hear them. last week we trapped three of them in my bedroom. no room in the house is safe from them. Lupus is a good mouser, better than a cat. that is why I am fanatic about keeping the kitchen clean and the counters wiped and cleared of crumbs. the floor is swept every morning and evening. if we eat in the livingroom then the floor in there gets swept afterward too. don’t get me wrong though, I am no Martha Stewart but I do keep it pretty mouse proof.
The first post that I ever read from Bricker59 was about his mouse trap. We had mice once. It took a long time (and a cat in the garage) to get rid of them. They haven’t been back for a couple of years. Thankfully….Blessings to you.
@ugotafriend - I really don’t like them. The guys think that I am afraid of them but I’m not. I find them dirty and repulsive. I swear I have a sixth sense for the sound of a trap going off. When I find one snapped with a body in it I just call the name of one of my heroes to come and empty it. It is a mortal sin in this family to not reset the trap once it is emptied. I have just learned to live with them. Rats are another thing though. Every once in awhile we do get rats in the house. Not so much now as when the barns were around. Then I become quite militant about ridding the house of their presence. I absolutely despise rats.
Finished my middle of the night snack and have yawned a few times so I think I will take myself off to bed and try to get some sleep. The five o’clock alarm will ring far too soon. See you in the morning. God bless you. Thank you for your friendship and your devotion.
Oh yeah, bad. You should totally have pushed the limits and gone off the road. That would have been real dedication, the sort of thing I would do. I’m sure Ian would have appreciated knowing you got stuck out there too.
Be real. If Ian says it is all right, that is because it is all right. And you got some free meat. That’s always a plus.
@P_Obrien - The sort of thing you would have done? In your light duty truck with rear wheel drive? With no weight in the rear end? Oh, wait, all the weight is in the cab, the knuckle head driving. Okay so I was being emotional. It’s a mom thing.
I agree with P Obrien. Anyways Ian wouldn’t want you getting hurt, and you have to remeber he is super man.
@mksmak - I thought he was Mr. Perfect? P Obrien is superman. I get them mixed up.
I’m certain your son would rather have you safe then rush to help him. At least, I know I would feel that way about my mom. He knows you love him, and that is the best thing. ~ L
@Bricker59 - @whteroses - @ugotafriend - @pamilvr - @TheSunnyC - @P_Obrien - @mksmak - @empress8411 - Okay everyone, I am duly chastised. The middle of the night is not a good time for me emotionally. When whatever is going on involves my children I am worse. I don’t have much self confidence to begin with. When I can’t get from a to b or accomplish what I set out to accomplish then I am the first to kick myself and I usually have spurs on and I kick until I draw blood. And my husband wonders why we have children who only learn by practically maiming (sp?) themselves. They come by it honestly. Things look much better by the bright light of a new day. Especially knowing that he is okay. And I am the last person to grieve over a truck.
I obviously can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said, so I will just send you big hugs and hope that you know I’d have felt the same way, unwarrented or not.