April 5, 2011

• Odyssey part 3..... Free at last!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Layn had come into our lives.  A child, a baby, a new life and new hope all rolled into one.  That is how I have always felt about babies.  When I look into their faces I always imagine I see the face of God.  Innocence and wisdom both dwell in the same vessel of clay.  Those who know me know how compelling a small child is for me.  I lose what little dignity I might have had (not much) and am inclined to make a fool of myself just to get a smile or a giggle out of a little one.  I don't talk down to older kids but I try to find what and where they are and then to connect with them.  Most of all I like to listen to them.  There is great wisdom in the things they say.  But I digress, here was Layn in our lives.  It had been five years since a small one had lived in this house.  Each of us deals with grief and tragedy in our own way and mine was to put a distance between myself and the imagined cause of my pain; infants.  Sure I still smiled at them and admired them but the desire to hold them and really connect with them was suppressed.  It hurt, why go there, that was my policy.

  I couldn't avoid Layn.  He lives here, his mom needed my help and my family was very aware of the unusual restraint in my attitude toward him.  So I stopped trying to create and spent myself on Layn.  There is a certain power that denial has, it is like a drug.  It can lull you into a false sense of well being that is deadly.  Shortly after Layn was born my grand-niece was born also.  Why not create something unique and special for her since she was the first great-granddaughter in the family?  After all Layn has been here for two months already and I seem to be doing fine.  I no longer prowl his room during naps to make sure that he is still breathing and I can sleep through most nights without listening for him to wake up to nurse.  High on the drug of denial I convinced myself that everything was ok.

  I remember the afternoon well.  Melissa went off to work, Layn went down for a nap, and I proceeded to press and cut fabric for a gift for Anna Grace.  By the time I realized the cause and what I was doing, I must have made a dozen trips up and down the stairs to check on him and had accomplished nothing.  My head was pounding and my stomach was so sick that the thought of food was enough to send me running for the bathroom.  This wasn't going to work.

  I will spare everyone the details of the months that followed, some of them I am not really sure of, suffice it to say I am free at last!  I really don't know exactly how this all came about but Sunday morning I stood in the shower thinking about a dress and bonnet set that I have to deliver and I suddenly became aware of the lack of fear.  I stood there in wonder at the lack of the usual feelings of inadequacy, fear, and sickness wondering if the client was really going to like what I had made. 

  

  This is the set that I am referring to.  Granted there is nothing really special about these garments except the fact that they were designed and produced with very little effort is what is significant.

   

  

  There were no frustrating mistakes born of lack of confidence or vascillating over what goes together and what looks nice.

  

  From that set quickly and easily flowed these others.

  

  The yellow binding and trim was handmade by me instead of relying on purchased binding that is usually close but not exactly what I want.

   

  This little yellow sundress I think was truly inspired.  It is fully lined (which I would never have done when I lacked the confidence) and the green gingham trim was custom made.

  

  This little apron is a mom and me pattern and one that I whipped out in 1 1/2 hours.

  

  I have even been trying my had at clothing for little boys.  You can't see it (since I am no photographer) but the top is piped with bright red piping and there is snap tape in the crotch to help when changing diapers.

  It seems to me that the flood-gates have been opened and the satisfaction and joy that I was always able to derive from this kind of expression is back.  The difference is that I am changed.  I have learned to fully appreciate what I once thought was something that was a part of my make-up.  I know now that it can so easily be lost.  Each garment that I have produced in the past week has an element of gratitude sewn into it as well as my own stamp of creativity.

  I'm free at last....as long as it lasts.  Thanks be to God I'm free at last.

   

   

   

   

   

   

  • 12:25 pm
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