April 5, 2011
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Odyssey part 2
Turn the clock ahead twelve years. I’ll spare you the horrid details except to say, guess what I was intent on doing when tragedy struck again in this house. It wasn’t my fault, I am not to blame, but it is sure funny how the human mind works or how my mind works or whatever. This time the door slammed shut tight and was latched and double barred and any other metaphor that can be used to describe what happened in my heart. The skills were still there, the need was more than there and so was the drive but the ability to let go and immerse myself was gone. It was all replaced by fear and uncertainty.
Whereas before I would take on just about any project, even those I had never tried before, having the audacity to learn on the job. Now I wouldn’t even volunteer to sew a button on a shirt. Sure the mending got done around here, when there was really no choice anymore. Gifts got made but there was not the usual flair and extra something that marked them as uniquely my own creation. The largest insult was that if one of my kids asked for advice or help I was often gripped with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. I was just not sure anymore.
Then to add insult to injury Layn came along last year. I was being forced to face what had become my biggest fear. I am of course expected to do some sewing for the baby who had come to live in our home, what could be more natural for me than that? Little did those around me know that not only was I unable to sew anything remotely creative but having a baby in the house while I was sewing was a paralyzing thought.
Before I go much further, to those of you who have seen pictures of my work. The difference between what I have done in the past 18 years and what I used to be able to do is vastly different. The effort that it takes for me to create now is often exhausting and frought with feelings of inadequacy. Prior to this odyssey into mental instability nothing could or would stop my creative juices. There was no effort involved in anything that I did and everything was pure pleasure.
Comments (3)
I’m just now reading your last few posts. I don’t sew much anymore and I never did sew well, but your post reminds me of the shirt I sewed for my husband’s birthday 46 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant and had been spotting. I was supposed to stay in bed, but as you said, that’s hard for a mom (I had a 2 year old and a 3 year old), and I wanted to finish that shirt. When I miscarried, the baby was only the size of a 6 wk fetus, so my activity probably had nothing to do with it. Still one wonders, what if? God knows, and I expect to see that little one in Heaven some day.
@ata_grandma - So you know, the doubt and the questions too. What if I had obeyed better, would I have an 18 year old daughter sitting in the next room right now? Like you I expect to see her in heaven one day.
Peace to you. I pray you’ll be able to release the fears and guilt. God has always known everything you would do in your lifetime, and doesn’t want you to live crippled by decisions made 18-19 years ago. Your sins and failures were all paid for long before they even happened. I pray God will restore the joy of creation and release you to be fully yourself. It will be exciting to see a true artist’s work.