September 28, 2010
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Some simple truths
I realized something yesterday, or rather I was kicked in the face with something that I already knew and God decided it was the day to make me wake up and smell the dirty diaper, so to speak. Avoidance doesn't mean that you are healing, it just means that you are....avoiding.
Yesterday was the first day in almost a year that I haven't had any schoolwork to do. I am currently waiting for my next semester to start. So after getting up and doing the usual round of Monday morning chores, housework, laundry, and thinking of something wonderful to fix for supper, I attacked my much neglected sewing room in preparation for using it. MK and Melissa were both in the middle of projects and Layn was down for a nap so all seemed right with my world.
I could not sew! I could not settle! All I could do was check to see that Layn was asleep, or so I kept telling myself. I must have made one hundred trips to the bottom of the stairs to listen for an sound of him. When he was awake I clung to him as if I had never held him in my life.
Last night in bed I cried myself to sleep. I scolded myself and tried to reason with myself but to no avail. The past is past and now is now. Layn is not going to die in his sleep and if he were to my sewing or not sewing isn't going to infleunce it one way or the other. Nor did my sitting at the sewing machine five years ago cause that other child to take her last breath. God calls and I cannot change a thing.
Today Melissa is at work and MK is making mincemeat so I am on my own with Layn. I can do one of two things today, give in to my fear and spend the day with him in my arms and not accomplish anything except feed my fear or I can face it and learn that truth is truth and I am stronger (I hope) than the demons that plague my mind.
Pray for strenght and sanity.
Comments (5)
Spend the day with him.Not to feed your fear, but to ease it.He is a beautiful baby boy and I think you should get a grasp on all the love.
Be at peace my friend, take advantage of what is there for you.
I'll be thinking of you today.
You are an amazingly strong woman! Enjoying your day with the beautiful baby boy that God has brought into your life does not feed your fears, it is comfort and love sent by God! Take it, enjoy it!! Everything else can wait until tomorrow!
As always in my prayers...
The Lord knows the number of his days (even before he was born).
You are a special lady and the Lord has used you in many ways -- not the least of which was to give the other wee one a safe place to live and to pass on to eternity -- she was loved in your care.
Your sewing and projects are a gift and the Lord will watch between you and Layn and will always watch over Layn and take care of him -- the Lord monitors every breath (and even the hairs that may not even be on the top of his head yet). The Lord cares about the details.
The Lord cares for you and knows your fears (and collects your tears). You are name is written on the palm of His hand (see Isaiah 49). He will never leave you or forsake you.
There is a balm in Gilead with your name on it...
Hugs and prayers for you my dear friend.
Holding a baby is an exercise in relaxation of mind and body. Blessings as you deal with your "fears". I tend to have to deal with fears often.
I am praying for you, for peace and healing. ~ L
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