November 15, 2008
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The Chasm that separates us
Days and days go by. Sometimes even months and you can almost begin to forget that you have ever experiences the total, enveloping blackness. You live an active life. To those around you there is nothing seeming wrong. To yourself there is nothing wrong. You are almost carefree. You have shaken it and, it seems, with the help of God, no drugs please, you have overcome the overpowering blackness, the nothingness. You are on the other side.
Then it strikes again. Some would say “out of the blue” but that is not where it comes since it is usually not on a bright sunny day. The first indication that there is anything wrong is a profound heaviness of spirit. My family notices long silences from the person who is the buffer, the one who keeps things moving and active. When my husband finally catches on, you’d think he would after all these years, it is with annoyance. With comments about “giving in to the devil who wants you to feel this way,” or “don’t pay attention to the weather, don’t let it get you down like this.” “Find something to make you think of something else.” After all this time you’d think he’d realize that I know all of this and it doesn’t work. That comments like these don’t help they hurt, really hurt. That compassion from him is what I need, not censure.
So, I slog through the mire in my mind. There is no light, only a very thick blackness. My limbs are weighed down by a soup of something that I cannot describe and cannot escape. I cast about for an escape and find none. I fight the tears that are there constantly, trying hard to not let them fall. No need to bring my children into this chamber of horrors. At night in the darkness I fall deep into the pit of dark thoughts and even darker emotion. I pray and it all is flung back at me. Thoughts, dark black destructive thoughts come at me. I cry out to my anchor and even He seems to have abandon me. The only thing that keeps me from a total abandonment into the mire is the remembrance of an eventual escape. I don’t ever remember how I got away but I know that I always do.
I hope that it doesn’t last long this time. I just know that it is made no easier by the lack of help from the one who should be my greatest help here.
Comments (16)
Dealing with Depression is horrible. I know.
Stay strong.
Mine isn’t so much depression as panic attacks etc. I just stress out so badly that my heart acts up. I don’t do meds so it is a telling thing for me to admit that throughout this fall and even still now I’m using what I call my “happy pill”. I have one I only take as needed and to help me sleep at night believe me it is needed! Men do not understand any of this. After Wil’s heart surgery we went through the worst time of our marriage. The heart doc. had told him he would probably suffer with depression afterwards BUT Wil wouldn’t admit to any such thing and the doc wouldn’t listen to me so we went through hell for 2 years. If he had just admitted the problem….he had no control over anything and his body had turned on him and control is very important to someone with his background of no control…..it could have been aleveated or at least toned down by taking something.
You take what you need to get through to the other side of this. Don’t try to be strong or a martar (sp?) Do whatever you need to be happy again.
Ah, good Lord, how could all things be well, because of the great
harm which has come through sin to your creatures?
And so our good Lord answered
all the questions and doubts which I could raise,
saying most comfortingly:
I make all things well,
and I can make all things well,
and I shall make all things well,
and I will make all things well;
and you will see for yourself
that every kind of thing will be well.
…And in these words God wishes us
to be enclosed in rest and peace.
(Julian of Norwich, “Showings of Divine Love”)
Keeping you in my prayers…
@TheSunnyC - I used to take anti-depressants but the side affects are awful. i ballooned up to over 300 pounds. I withdrew from them because that was totally unacctptable (my marriage suffered in more way than just the depression). My husband got neglected “physically” because of the drugs if you know what I mean. After losing the weight I have not been able to find another way to fight the depression except that I know it has something to do with the seasons, but not entirely. It also has to do with the fact that menopause was surgically induced about 15 years ago and my hormones are not as they once were. It would all be better if my husband would not dismiss it as me being too emotional or just “dwelling” on things too much. If only he knew how hard I fight it and how the blackness almost pursues me at times. Your encouragement helps. I have found also that it helps to not always keep it iside but to be honest with people when they detect that something is bothering me.
Thanks for listening.
@MlleRobillard - God bless you. Why do I feel that you know.
I wish I had words of advice for you, but I can’t think of anything profound to say. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my daily rosary.
Suggest that even tho you may not be able to take what you use to take…I know so well about the weight gain with meds…..I still have 60 lbs. to lose….but you do need to talk to a doctor or someone with skills to help you with the hormones or the depression and one could be the cause of the other as you know. I now take all natural suppliments for the hormone thingy. I have been this way since my early 30s and just go from pre to full blown to post to whatever. I had to get off the hormones but still suffer badly from hot flashes etc. so I do all naturals through Market America. DILove gets them for me. I’m not pushing that product but do know what that company goes through to find and test each product. I wouldn’t wish going through all this “stuff” without help on my worst enemy. You need to find something that works for you and just tell the doctors you are NOT taking anything with weight gain attached. I hope that you will continue to look for something that helps you. Oh, and send your hubby to me….I can show him what hormones can really do!!!! lol
((hugs))
Our men think that they can solve the problems by telling us what to do instead of being there and walking with us and encouraging us.
I’ll be praying for sensitivity for Doug.
I’ll also pray for you as you walk through the darkness. Know that you never walk alone. He walks with you and I walk with you and pray for you from here. Blessings to you.
how can i say this w/o it sounding trite – ‘that’s why God invented xanga*’
in the relationship, we are ‘too close’ – the diad often impedes…
it’s hardly the same as a real hug – sometimes hours of being held would hardly seem like enough-
*insert comfortfromabovethatworks here
(((((((may the God of all comfort…)))))))
@pamilvr - the most profound and necessary of thanks
may the Lord permit you now and often to feel the scope of His blessings and love – and
if i could wrap arms up in a box….
Don’t be too hard on the old man. I don’t think anyone can understand depression who has not experienced it. I haven’t and I can’t. I know only one way of dealing with bad things and that is to insist that I am stronger. I can not be beaten. I am made of iron. One way or another I will win, it’s all a matter of finding the right solution. That is my approach, and it is masculine to the core. Most men, especially Daddy, choose that approach or a variation thereof, and it works, for us. It is a good method, and when coupled with faith it never fails. He is really giving you the best advice he knows how, which you will see for yourself when you are yourself again. But we men are generally pretty much lost when advice and solutions are not what is wanted. No one likes being lost.
@P_Obrien - Thanks. Should you ever have the fortune of being with a wife you will find out that an act of will doesn’t always make things better. Just being silent, at least for me is what I need. You know how he can talk situations to death. Most of the time I can deal with that. But at times like this it has the opposite effect. It only makes me feel more inadequate. More like it is all my fault that I am in this pit. But as has been my experience in the past, this too shall pass. Lets just hope it doesn’t take too long this time. The black is not my friend.
(((((hugs))))) Hope you are able to work past this soon…
You sound like me. I just posted a “my view” of depression on my site the other day. It is a minute, hour, daily, and monthly endurance in which I need God’s presense.
I wish you the very best. I wonder, not as much as before, why the Lord allowed it in the first place since I was doing ministry with my business at the time. But, He knows why and I have to leave it with Him.
Yet, I pick it up and though sometimes I think I can lick it, I am only digging a hole with my own efforts.
God bless,
Becker
(((hugs))) (((prayers)))
Praying God will send answers soon…I understand how that heaviness can be, and sometimes we just need a hug, if I were your neighbor I would have coffee with you and we could just have a nice quiet chat, all us girls. The world seems so awful these days and that alone is enough to get people down. Try to keep that upward look as we see through a glass darkly at times, you seem very discerning and more on the sensitive side which is a blessing and a gift. I believe that those of us who are of the sensitive nature are more prone to feeling heaviness, for one thing, the spiritual climate of the country can be very depressing if we dwell on it.
Please hold on to Jesus with all you have, He understands, He knows, He feels. Remember, you’ve been through a lot these past couple of weeks with all of those crazy canceled appointments and such. Just that alone, would have thrown me into a tail spin and just done a total freak out in my heart, and another reminder of our society and their lack of integrity even in the professional world, where people are treated like assembly line items with no feeling. It’s criminal. Remember though…that there are others fighting that system too. Sometimes if I see others going through the same thing, I realize that oh…okay, others are fighting those crazy people and the system too, or others are having anxiety because of the crazines or because of the hormones too. It makes me feel part of the Body…that there are other sisters and brothers feeling the same way at times.
Here is something that helped me, when I was feeling so terrible when I was so afraid of my mom’s plight and the doctors etc. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEijLTB1a84 The words are sooooo soothing and meditative…Very God glorifying and just really translates that love of Jesus to His children.
You are loved. ~Amelia P.S. I see Becker came by, he’s a very kind brother in Christ.