June 10, 2010
-
Another kind of anniversary
Yesterday Bricker59 wrote a post about the anniversary of the car accident that has left him in daily pain. The story of that accident has also left him, I think, with a true and lasting appreciation for life, his own life and all that there is to get out of life, in spite of the pain that he suffers. Also, threaded through many of his posts is the deep and abiding love and pride that he has for his two daughters who came through the accident unscathed, thanks be to God.
Yesterday was another kind of anniversary for me as well. I know that Bricker can understand it when I say that there are days in your year that you cannot, no matter how hard you try, forget the date. No matter how busy you are or how forgetful you may become that day comes around and it kicks you in the solarplexis and stops you where you stand. Yesterday was one of those days for me, today also. In my self pity and my remembrance I lashed out at Bricker in a comment on his post instead of being the friend to him that I like to think I am. Let me first apologize for that. It was not only uncalled for but the man suffers enough, it was selfish of me to land my pain on him.
Five years ago I went into my daughter’s room to pick up one of our foster children from her nap and found one live baby and one dead baby. The rest of that day and the rest of that week for that matter are a blur of grief and pain for me. Then next day, dealing with the police and the coroner, the agency and the accusations of the birth mother weren’t enough, it was also the anniversary of the day that my youngest daughter was born, the daughter that I never got to raise.
Do I tell this to get sympathy, no. I not only don’t want it but it does no good. I tell this as a scrap of thought for those of you who decided they will never have children or will never have more, “one or two are enough.” The pain of those two incidents is still coiled like a live thing around my heart. It strikes at the strangest and most inopportune of moments, but the joy of every child that I have raised, fostered, babysat or simply held diminishes that pain to a degree. That joy lets me know that the pain that rests there on my heart is the balance that lets me know what joy really is. One cannot know joy without first knowing sorrow. One cannot know and enjoy health without knowing sickness and pain. My life is three dimensional because of the children alive and dead. It would have been flat, one dimensional, without them all.
Thanks Bricker for your kind words. You are a true and kind friend.
Comments (5)
Ann, to have come out of such turmoil as a faith-filled, kind, and wonderful person is a true sign of God’s grace at work. As I’m sure you feel Bricker is a good friend, I imagine he feels the same way, even when there is the occasional bump in communication.
God bless.
You have no need to apologize to me. None whatsoever.
As I said in my message to you…talk about putting things in perspective.
You have changed my outlook dear friend, and I thank you for that.
I long for the day when I can hug you and hold you face to face and share your sorrows in person. I ache for you and know in the words of Rich Mullins
And now they’ve raised five children
One winter
they lost a son
But the pain didn’t leave them crippled
And the
scars have made them strong
I have seen the strength of the mountains in you my friend. (I know that you see your weaknesses more but the Lord uses you mightily in so many ways)
Thank you for sharing your sorrow and your pain. You are a blessing and I am grateful to call you friend.
We also buried one of our foster children. She was in the hospital at the time of death but could so easily have been at home with all the problems she had.
Thank you for sharing your hard-won wisdom and appreciation for God’s gifts and grace, even through unspeakable sorrow.